Some of the reasons for this may be obvious. Once you factor in all the time you spend managing a job, a family, and everything in between, you don't have much time or energy left for anything else.
But some of the reasons may surprise you. We have an enormous opportunity to make those long-lasting ties with others during our teens and early 20s. That's a special time in our lives, when everything we experience is new, and we have people with us who are also experiencing those same situations for the first time. We're in the trenches of adolescence and early adulthood with other survivors and that's a unique and powerful thing. Those shared, novel experiences can lead to deep and lasting bonds. But as we get older, those completely new experiences we have begin to dwindle. Also, studies have found that we "interact with fewer people", so there's a smaller pool of potential friends available to us as we age. Let's face it- our lives are all about routine, and when you're stuck in a routine you've limited your chances for meeting new and different people.
But the good news about reaching midlife, at least according to research, is that we tend to grow closer to the friends we already have. Take a quick survey of the friends in your life. Which friends have you known the longest, and how close would you say you are with them? My guess is that friends you made during high school and college will most likely be at the top of the list. This is very true in my own life. My best friend and I met in high school twenty years ago and we're still best friends to this day.
Researchers have also found that a critical difference between children and adults is that as adults, we tend to have higher standards now. Maybe it's because we've been burned by friendships that have gone bad, or maybe we find certain personality traits to be deal-breakers. We set the bar much higher as adults than we did when we were kids.
So the prospect of making friends as an adult seems so bleak, doesn't it? We have fewer novel experiences, higher standards, crazy hectic schedules that don't allow us the time we need to cultivate deep friendships, and we have a smaller pool of potential candidates thanks to that wonderful mark of adulthood called routine.
But why should we care about having friends?
Friends are so incredibly necessary at any stage of life. In fact, research from UCLA shows that in times of stress, women are much more likely than men to turn to their social networks for support. And evidence gathered by the long-running Nurses' Health Study has found that women with low levels of social support are at an increased risk of dying after being diagnosed with breast cancer.
Having friends has been found to stave off cognitive decline and boost immune system functioning. Research also suggests that lonely people experience less restorative sleep and are more tired during the day. What's more, several studies have found that even those seemingly "superficial" friendships are just as important as those close friendships because they can help foster a sense of belonging and community. So it's good to have the "gym friend", the "book club" friend, or the "yoga" friend!
Friends are actually good for our mental AND physical health!
All is not lost if you find yourself a little short in the friend department! Here are a few ways you can start increasing your real life "social network":
- If you're not having much luck meeting people at the playground or at your child's band practice, break out of that routine! Find a new hangout like a book store or coffee shop. Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with another mom. It takes courage to chat up a stranger, but you have to be willing to take the risk. You might be surprised by how much you have in common!
- If you're too shy to approach a stranger in a book store, try pursuing one of your own interests. Like to knit or have you always wanted to try Zumba? Sign up for a class and see what happens. Getting out of your normal routine (there's that word again) will introduce you to a group of people you may not have met otherwise.
- Make the time for friends. The health benefits of friendship are so profound that it's worth carving out the time in your schedule to see them. You may have to give something up or make special arrangements with your spouse/partner, but you, and those relationships, are worth it.
- Temper your expectations. Remember, not everyone you meet will become your best friend. Even those friends you see only at the gym or the book club are important. Don't be so picky about who can and can't be your friend. If someone has to match your rigid social, political or religious criteria, you run the risk of missing out on getting to know some potentially wonderful people.
